Scintilla Day 3: Memory & Song

Temple Bar @ Dublin, a photo by -BeNnO- on Flickr.

Prompt: Talk about a memory triggered by a particular song.

Whenever I hear “Ride On” by Christy Moore, I’m reminded of the night we met at The Temple Bar. It was your first time in Ireland, and we were both tourists in an anonymous city.  As you approached me, I recognized your smile, though you had changed.  Heavier now, and taller than I remembered, with lines beginning to appear; you'd become a fully grown man.  We were both aging well, I decided, but said nothing.

My glass was filled with gin, yours with red wine. Years slipped away with every drink, until we were stripped back to wild things unable to say no. The dizzy sensation of feeling young again- and free- was intoxicating. The pub was packed so we drew closer to hear one another. Your hand grazed mine, but I didn’t pull away. All the while, traditional musicians in the corner expressed emotions we could not.

I interrupted your story, saying, “This is a good song!” You nodded. Our conversation stopped. Even then, I was lost in the lyrics.

When you ride into the night, without a trace behind,
Run your claw along my gut, one last time.
I turn to face an empty space where you used to lie
And look for the spark that lights the night
through a teardrop in my eye...

The rest of our story is history.  That night is forever shrouded in mystery though.  Was it a gift, theft, or something in between?  A piece of myself has been missing ever since.

Ride on, see you, I could never go with you
No matter how I wanted to.


* A huge thank you to the three women who created Scintilla! Kim, Onyi, and Dominique are more than muses... they are bad ass goddesses!!!

#Reverb11 Prompt: Day 6- Discovery

Celebration, a photo by Nikonsnapper on Flickr.

Did you learn something new about the world in 2011? What was it?

“True friends are those who are with us when the good things happen. They are pleased by our triumphs. False friends only appear at difficult times, with their sad, supportive faces, when, in fact, our suffering is serving to console them for their miserable lives.” Paulo Coelho

The world is composed of people, and we are flawed. Even friendships are not always what they appear to be. I learned in 2011 that I cannot trust as many people as I previously thought. I need to become more discerning. I discovered a false friend last year, and it caught me off guard. I was confused until I read the above quote. Sadly, it put everything into perspective.

In the future, I will carefully choose those I allow into my inner circle. Together we will celebrate achievements, encourage one another’s growth, talk through our problems, and comfort each other when times are tough.

True friends stand by your side, witnessing all of life’s moments, helping to make them feel complete. When I jump for joy, I don’t want to be alone.

Big hugs,
Robin

Today I used Diana Prichard’s prompt. Many thanks!

#Reverb11 Prompt: Day 4- Letting Go

Water pattern, a photo by doug88888 on Flickr.

Addition through subtraction

What have you let go of this year and how has it affected you?

I caught the tail end of #Reverb10. Last December my posts were heavy in nature, for the year had been defined by heartbreak and loss. I felt wronged in so many ways. The residue of betrayal carried into 2011.

I struggled with intense feelings of sadness, rage, and confusion. Looking back, I realize I was navigating the borders of my mental health. I suspect my inner fragility was only apparent to those closest to me, since I managed to carry on with daily life as normal. I’m grateful for the hand holding and support my girlfriends provided, as I waded through those dark places.

My mind swirled. A repetitive pattern evolved; I sang the same tired song to myself over and over, without any chance for repose. I wished for an ‘off’ switch. Letting go seemed an impossible feat. Pain became my sore companion, following me everywhere like the scent of stale cigarette smoke, but was most noticeable when I crawled into bed alone at night.

There is a proverb I’ve come to love: “No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.”

I posted these words of encouragement where I could read them often. As the days grew brighter, so did my outlook. The wheel turned, bringing new life. In April I visited my friend- a quintessential Demeter and author of West Cork Astrology's Blog- and was cheered the minute I walked into her country kitchen. Her husband sat at the table, bottle feeding a motherless lamb, while their three young sons watched. A creature so vulnerable, yet trusting, despite the unnatural circumstances. Our eyes met and the lamb’s gentleness moved me.

Slowly, I began to notice these moments of tenderness, and my heart gradually thawed. I marveled at my son’s creative offerings, my daughter’s frequent hugs. Their laughter, the light in their eyes, the way they love wholeheartedly and without fear inspired me. Rainbows, daffodils, river walks, Jasmine tea, ecstatic dance, soul music, meditation, massage, bubble baths, carrot cake, colorful frocks, and conversations worked miracles. Old wounds receded with the tides; each day the sea carried them further from me.

How has this affected me? Healing has made my body, mind, and spirit stronger, more resilient. I’m no longer trapped in a cycle of obsessive thoughts. My energy is free for other pursuits, such as writing. Learning to focus on my own needs has helped me rediscover joy. Pleasure, fun, and flirtation are priorities now. Is it a coincidence that as I began to radiate inner happiness, I attracted one of the sweetest men on the planet?

When I let go of bitter feelings, I opened myself up and chose to trust once more. I’ve fallen in love... with my man, but also with myself. There is still work to be done within my family, but relationships are improving. Perhaps 2012 will help us reach a better place.
Big hugs,
Robin

*Today’s #Reverb11 prompt was courtesy Geekin’ Hard.

Toxic Relationships: Handle With Care

Mixed Emotion, a photo by sintixerr on Flickr.

I have a fundamental flaw; I focus on what I like about other people, and ignore their negative characteristics, sometimes to my detriment. My logic is, “No one’s perfect, right?” I can make endless excuses for those I care about, almost justifying erratic behavior. The last thing I want to be is judgmental. However, I wonder if I’m confusing compassion with carelessness.

It would be unreasonable to expect perfection from anyone, but how do you determine when someone is more harmful than helpful to your well being? When a relationship becomes toxic, is there a way to salvage it, or is it best to call it quits? How do you define ‘toxic’ and why do some relationships end up this way?

The foundation for all relationships begins with how we relate to ourselves. The problem, I’ve discovered, is that not everyone will accept us as we change. While we may strive to improve our inner worlds and build self-esteem, our external environment may not always cooperate.

Over the last few years, I’ve committed more to my personal development. The most painful part of this process has been letting go of loved ones unwilling to support my growth. I have decided my only path forward is one where I am true to myself; this means that I won’t allow anyone to hold me back from using my gifts and becoming the person I want to be. Needless to say, I have lost more than one close friend. This road is sometimes a lonely one to travel.

Is it worse to be selfish or selfless? In my opinion, women especially are discouraged from being “selfish”, but this is a trap. Loss of self is the worst state any soul could encounter. It is a mistake to ignore one’s own needs, while feeling responsible for everyone else.

I am not advocating that we make decisions based purely on our own desires, with no regard for anyone else. I’d simply like to challenge the notion that being “self-centered” is negative. Why shouldn’t each of us be central- and of primary importance- in our own lives? Seflhood ought to be a priority, for having a distinct identity is an achievement. Knowing oneself, and possessing an inner stronghold, enables us to form genuinely loving relationships. This is the only way to create a truly authentic life.

Without clear boundaries it isn’t possible to maintain healthy relationships. I’ve noticed that when boundaries become blurred, toxicity is more prevalent. Do you feel pressured by family, friends, or your partner to express only limited aspects of your personality? Is the thought of saying “no” or voicing opposition too terrifying in certain relationships? It is crucial that each person has the freedom to express their unique viewpoint, and uphold personal values, without condemnation.

Following are a list of symptoms that may alert you to a situation which requires handling with care.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship:

• Independence is viewed as a threat and is therefore discouraged.

• One person in the relationship feels a need to control the other.

• One person expects the other party to meet all of their needs.

• Communication is limited because of defensive responses by either or both parties. Perhaps neither is able to listen properly or voice feelings in an appropriate manner.

• Verbal abuse and criticism are used as a means to prevent change and hold the other back.

• One’s dignity is threatened by the other’s disrespectful words or actions.

• It feels either emotionally or physically unsafe to disagree.

• One party withdraws affection and/or communication, sometimes also engaging in hostile silences or sulking, when confronted with a partner’s limit or boundary.

• One person’s poor sense of self and low self-esteem may cause them to envy the other’s confidence. In my experience, trouble will ensue if this is the case.

• If either person refuses to own their behavior, a mature relationship cannot develop. Avoidance of responsibility is a central ingredient when cooking a toxic stew.

Anger alerts us to situations when our presence is being demeaned or disrespected. Listen to it. Rather than act out on the emotion, sit with the feelings and try to uncover what they are attempting to tell you. Our feelings indicate a call to action, but we must choose carefully rather than respond impulsively.

I’m as intense as anyone you’ll ever meet, and find this extremely hard. Learning to sit and breathe with my anger, rather than vent on whoever has provoked it, is an evolving process. I don’t always get it right, but awareness is the first step. It requires a lot of willpower to step back when strong emotions are demanding a reaction. Yet, it’s necessary to learn such restraint if our goal is to become mature individuals, and help create a mature society.

Perhaps you may uncover feelings of rejection, abandonment, insecurity or sadness beneath the anger. You might tap into past hurts, completely unrelated to the current person or situation at hand. If so, it can be helpful to write about it, talk to someone you trust, or simply acknowledge your revelations to yourself.

Once the intensity of your emotions has settled, and you’re clear in your mind about the issues raised by your feelings, you can make decisions about detoxing your relationship. If you’re able to express your new-found understanding, and your friend or partner is able to hear you and responds satisfactorily, the experience may bring you closer.

Sometimes this may not be possible. Depending on how serious the situation is, you may decide it is no longer a relationship you are willing to invest in. The most loving thing to do for both of you might be walking away.

The bottom line is that you deserve to be handled with care.

Big hugs,

Robin

One Heart Tantra

"Love On the Rocks" by Laura MacCarthy

 My curiosity was piqued when a close friend invited me to attend ‘One Heart Tantra: Discovery Day for Women’ with her.  It was advertised as an introductory workshop, offering "a chance to explore tantric energetic practices in a gentle, fun and supported environment.” 

The workshop was facilitated by Lynn Paterson.  I was undecided about whether or not to go until I read the following insights on her facebook event page:

“As we clear away the old hurts and wounds, the body and mind heals and re-patterns itself from the conditioning and beliefs that our body and sensual pleasure is bad, and that spirituality has to involve a denial of our sexuality. Your body is the doorway to great joy, peace and love!”

Instinctively I have always felt this to be true.  Unfortunately, my heavily Catholic upbringing did not reinforce this message.  As a young woman, I had to work hard to shed limiting beliefs.  What comes naturally to me- dancing, expressing love, touching- are all deeply spiritual experiences.  It saddens me to think I ever felt shame about my body and the pleasure I derive through it.

On her One Heart Tantra website, Lynn goes on to say:

“One Heart Tantra is a tool for awakening the senses and bringing you into a new awareness of ecstasy and bliss that can take you beyond the senses and into a direct experience of yourself as Love. Your desire may be to discover more fulfilment and joy in your sexuality, or to bring more pleasure into your life and the life of a loved one. You may be searching for a deeper level of connection to the spiritual truth of who you are. Or perhaps you are just seeking for a way to lose your programming and limiting beliefs about sex and sensuality. Whatever has brought you here is perfect for you, and I honour your path.”

Each woman who travelled to the workshop had her own reasons for coming.  As we arrived at An Sanctoir, the sun was streaming through the windows.  I’ve enjoyed belly dancing with wonderful women in that space.  When my children were at the neighbouring Waldorf kindergarten, I attended many Advent Spiral ceremonies there too.  I’ve also listened to an incredible jazz band create musical magic in that room.  Certain energy is contained within those walls, which always makes me feel safe and at peace.  We’re blessed to have such a beautiful holistic centre in our community.

At the beginning of the day, I appreciated when Lynn brought up the issue of comfort zones, and asked us not to push ourselves too much during the workshop.  She explained that if we were to go beyond our personal boundaries, we could get lost.  The result would be counter-productive: rather than slowly expanding the comfort zone, one could become fearful and close up more.

The concept of boundaries (or lack of them) is of interest to me.  In intimate situations, boundaries become even more important, but can be harder to set.  As we practiced various exercises, I became aware of some of my patterns.  In the past, I almost couldn’t say ‘no’ for fear of rejection.  I’ve made a lot of progress in this area but realized it’s still difficult for me to do. 

Betty Martin has developed the idea of a Circle of Consent.  Dave Pollard explains it very well on his blog How to Save the World.  With every exchange in a relationship, there are power politics.   Sometimes roles are confused and lines get blurred.  We can find ourselves forced into a situation, which mistakenly seems consensual.  The dynamic can shift very quickly from giver & receiver to victim & perpetrator.  In our workshop, we were careful to avoid anything being misconstrued.

Each exercise we practiced involved clearly communicating with our partner, a useful skill for every relationship.  We had to verbally state what we intended to do and then ask for permission.   It was important to stick with what had been communicated and agreed upon, or else a transgression could be perceived.  We worked with the concepts of ‘giving and receiving’ or ‘allowing and taking’ for the entire day.  The exercises involved simple arm touch, but I still came up against resistance in myself. 

I discovered:

1) I don’t know what I want.

2) When I do, it’s hard to ask for it.

3) My experience is not uncommon for women.

 

Throughout the day we played with movement to free ourselves up.  I enjoyed when we danced; that was easy for me.  However, we also practised breathing exercises combined with vocalization, which mildly freaked me out!  I can’t make noise.  Even when I gave birth I was quiet.  During my last homebirth, my oldest son was in the room beside us but slept through it.  At the workshop, I envied the other women’s ability to wail, moan, and let it all out.  I was so uncomfortable it sounded more like I was whimpering…  Afterward we had a laugh and my friend had great fun teasing me about it. 

I was satisfied with the introductory workshop and would like to explore Tantric energy more in the future.  If you live in Ireland or the UK, check out Lynn’s schedule to see if she has any events coming up in your area.  She also has links to other resources on her website if you’d like more information.

For further reading, Lynn recommended UrbanTantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas.  I’ve added Tantric Pulsation to my wish list.  The author, Aneesha L. Dillon, combines eastern and western philosophies, influenced by the work of Wilhelm Reich and Osho Rajneesh.

I’d like to close with a quote:

“Tantric alchemy says, do not fight, be friendly with all the energies that are given to you. Welcome them. Feel grateful that you have anger, that you have sex, that you have greed. Feel grateful because these are the hidden sources, and they can be transformed, they can be opened. And when sex is transformed it becomes love.” –Osho

May Love transform us all!

Big hugs,

Robin

Opening Hearts- #Reverb11

 @LetsReverb August Prompt:

Describe an unexpected moment, activity, sighting or conversation that touched you during July.

Before we landed in America in July I made a decision.  I wanted to be open to possibilities, to love, to life.

I’ve been a single parent for two years and have stuck with my resolution to keep (what exists of) my romantic life separate from family life.  I don’t want my children confused by adult relationships which may not work out.   

  

Friends share my viewpoint.  One single mom recently remarked, “I feel like I live a double life.  There’s life with my daughters most of the time.  Then there’s life with my boyfriend when the kids aren’t with me.” 

It’s not unusual for single parents to compartmentalize, and I accepted that it’s probably for the best.  However, someone I value a lot challenged this position last spring.  He’s a retired psychotherapist, trained with a Jungian orientation.  Sometimes he helps me understand my dreams. 

“Have you met someone?” he asked after I’d told him of my latest night wanderings (about a wooden wardrobe, clothes, and a mirror of all things!).

“No.”

He raised his brows, a twinkle in his eyes, and said, “This dream is a good omen.  Someone’s coming, just wait.”  

We went on to have a conversation about my resistance to fully welcoming a new man into my life.  I explained that the only way I’d allow a man to meet my children was if I was 100% sure about our relationship.  

“That’s a cop out.” 

His comment surprised me, and I’ve been chewing on it ever since.  It seems I’ve been holding out for certainty, which is of course unrealistic.  I can’t predict how I’ll be in 5 years, let alone someone else.  All relationships change with time and there’s no way of sure proofing that any will last.  As much as I’d like to protect myself and my children from loss and pain, it would be a disservice to everyone to be closed off from life.

It turns out my friend was right.  Someone amazing has unexpectedly arrived in my life, despite an ocean between us.  We’ve known each other since we were teenagers and now find ourselves in similar situations.  He’s a strong, capable man, with good values and a generous heart.  I don’t know how any woman could resist him! 

Though I enjoyed corresponding with him from a distance, I had no idea what it would be like hanging out with our children in tow.  Would our kids even get along? 

On our first day together we went to the zoo.  It was hot and tiring.  By the end of the afternoon, my daughter started complaining.  I carried her uphill for a while but quickly reached my limit.  Her whining resumed when I put her back down.  

“Do you want me to give you a lift?”  DJ asked. 

I was sure my daughter would say no since she’s slow to warm to most people.  When she nodded, I had to keep my jaw from dropping.  The moment he lifted her onto his broad shoulders, while she smiled shyly from above, my resistance dissolved. It was surprising how deeply touched I felt seeing a man behaving kindly towards my children, even though he’s not their dad.

We had a wonderful summer taking trips together, and our children bonded as much as we did.  I expected the kids to be jealous of our budding romance, but mostly I think they enjoyed seeing their parents so happy.  My fears seem silly now.  What was I so afraid of? The kids want to be pen pals and can’t wait to mail their first care package.

Our vacation scrapbook is filled with images of roller skating, canoeing, swimming, camping, and hiking together.  We’ve returned to Ireland, and I don’t know when we’ll all meet again; for now our memories are contained within pages, our hopes within our hearts.  

The future is unknown, but it’s possible we’ll somehow be able to make things work out.  In this moment, I’m simply filled with gratitude for unexpected gifts.

Big hugs,

Robin