#Reverb11 Prompt: Day 4- Letting Go

Water pattern, a photo by doug88888 on Flickr.

Addition through subtraction

What have you let go of this year and how has it affected you?

I caught the tail end of #Reverb10. Last December my posts were heavy in nature, for the year had been defined by heartbreak and loss. I felt wronged in so many ways. The residue of betrayal carried into 2011.

I struggled with intense feelings of sadness, rage, and confusion. Looking back, I realize I was navigating the borders of my mental health. I suspect my inner fragility was only apparent to those closest to me, since I managed to carry on with daily life as normal. I’m grateful for the hand holding and support my girlfriends provided, as I waded through those dark places.

My mind swirled. A repetitive pattern evolved; I sang the same tired song to myself over and over, without any chance for repose. I wished for an ‘off’ switch. Letting go seemed an impossible feat. Pain became my sore companion, following me everywhere like the scent of stale cigarette smoke, but was most noticeable when I crawled into bed alone at night.

There is a proverb I’ve come to love: “No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.”

I posted these words of encouragement where I could read them often. As the days grew brighter, so did my outlook. The wheel turned, bringing new life. In April I visited my friend- a quintessential Demeter and author of West Cork Astrology's Blog- and was cheered the minute I walked into her country kitchen. Her husband sat at the table, bottle feeding a motherless lamb, while their three young sons watched. A creature so vulnerable, yet trusting, despite the unnatural circumstances. Our eyes met and the lamb’s gentleness moved me.

Slowly, I began to notice these moments of tenderness, and my heart gradually thawed. I marveled at my son’s creative offerings, my daughter’s frequent hugs. Their laughter, the light in their eyes, the way they love wholeheartedly and without fear inspired me. Rainbows, daffodils, river walks, Jasmine tea, ecstatic dance, soul music, meditation, massage, bubble baths, carrot cake, colorful frocks, and conversations worked miracles. Old wounds receded with the tides; each day the sea carried them further from me.

How has this affected me? Healing has made my body, mind, and spirit stronger, more resilient. I’m no longer trapped in a cycle of obsessive thoughts. My energy is free for other pursuits, such as writing. Learning to focus on my own needs has helped me rediscover joy. Pleasure, fun, and flirtation are priorities now. Is it a coincidence that as I began to radiate inner happiness, I attracted one of the sweetest men on the planet?

When I let go of bitter feelings, I opened myself up and chose to trust once more. I’ve fallen in love... with my man, but also with myself. There is still work to be done within my family, but relationships are improving. Perhaps 2012 will help us reach a better place.
Big hugs,
Robin

*Today’s #Reverb11 prompt was courtesy Geekin’ Hard.