Seaweed Ballet

Beach ballerina, a photo by ImagesByClaire on Flickr.

I’m halfway through penance... and I couldn’t be more sorry!  My sin?  Years of unwittingly over-sharing on the Internet. I have until Easter Sunday to rectify the situation. In 2 days my Timeline will be published on facebook, visible to hundreds of “friends”, whether I’m ready or not. I doubt it will be of much interest to anyone, but the thought of so much exposure is unsettling.

There seem to be two camps: you either love Timeline or hate it.   I am of the latter.

I’ve resisted the change, partly because I haven’t had much time for social networking lately. Another reason- the most important- is that I was afraid of what I’d uncover sifting through posts dating back to 2007, the year I joined facebook. Call me clueless, but it never crossed my mind, at any point, that every single interaction on the site could readily be accessed well into the future. Nor did I realize, until I read this article about online privacy last fall, that my content is owned by facebook- not me, as I’d previously thought. I am very open by nature; sometimes I lack the foresight to protect myself from scrutiny.

Yesterday I took my children to see Mirror, Mirror. I didn’t particularly enjoy the film, which botched up the Snow White fairy tale, but aspects of it have lingered with me. I can’t forget the image of Julia Roberts’ character, staring at a younger (more acceptable) version of herself in the magical mirror. The vain queen was determined to see only what she wanted to see, ignoring the wrinkles and blemishes of time. Of course everyone has blind spots. Sometimes I wonder what mine are... and Timeline has given me a clue.

My facebook profile has reflected many aspects of myself. Trawling through nearly 5 years of posts, I’ve witnessed my most vulnerable self; at times I’d like to hug her, but at other moments I cringe. I’m struck by how much I’ve changed!

I am so grateful I can delete it all, but before that can happen, I must read each individual status report. As I relive the past, I experience emotional reactions, though it’s less intense this time around. I feel mortified as I recollect the days of being a quintessentially bored, lonely, perfectionistic housewife. Then there was the period after my husband moved out, when I was struggling with the demands of motherhood, in a foreign country to boot.  Newly single, after a decade of marriage, I found it difficult to redefine myself.  Most annoying of all, is how much I whined back then!  How many times can one woman complain about being tired?  It irritates me when people use social networking as an emotional crutch, as therapy, and yet I’m guilty of having done it in the past.

Aside from gripes I have with myself, there are other dramatic incidents which I’ve recalled, moving through my Timeline. People I’ve deleted or blocked (or vice versa), have left traces behind; the odd comment is still there, clearly visible, although the bond between us has long been broken. Ghosts litter my virtual space. I think of the harm I’ve caused, or the harm that has been done to me, and I’d like to make it all disappear forever. Memories fade, but the Internet is less forgiving.

Just when I want to put my head down, and shut the computer off to escape the past, I discover a forgotten clip. A short video, entitled “The Seaweed Ballet”, features 3 young children running along the Irish shore.

It’s a sunny day, and a hazy blue sky hangs above the water. My second son and his little sister are playing with their friend, shortly before he’s diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. For now they are carefree, flying up and down the beach together, wielding long strips of seaweed in their pudgy hands. My friend and I pause, the impromptu dance having caught our attention. We marvel at our beautiful babies, so full of life. The waves provide a musical score, as they skip, twirl, and dodge between towels, kicking up sand in the wind. Soft laughter grows louder, until we mothers are helplessly cackling into the camera. My belly cramps, a pleasant ache. It is hard to say who is having the most fun.

“It’s like a seaweed ballet,” my friend says, although it resembles a war dance now. The little girl proves ruthless; her seaweed has become a whip. She giggles as she whacks her big brother repeatedly. The smallest boy joins in, his blonde curls tangled from saltwater and sun. The video ends and one is left to wonder: Will it end in tears, the way children’s games often do?

I don’t remember what happened next. It was just another day spent with the people I love, a moment in time which could easily have been forgotten. I’m glad it has been preserved though, and that I can share it with anyone I choose.

I suppose that’s the beauty of Timeline. We can highlight those special moments, and let the others go. After all, each of us has stories we’d like to hide, and others we’re happy to share. Somewhere between all the embarrassing incidents, the heartbreaking regrets, the laughter and triumphs, or even the inane, lies our humanity. It’s our stories that make us who we are.

In closing, here are some of my favorite non personal status reports, which will remain on my Timeline, as a reminder of how I’d like to move forwards:

November 2010
Fill your heart with the creative power to accept the past, decorate the present and transform the future...” Osho

January 2011
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss

September 2011
"Kiss slowly, laugh insanely, live truly, and and forgive quickly." Paulo Coelho is always full of wise words... 

New Year’s Day, Jan. 2012
"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential." Ellen Goodman

March 2012
"To have a core self is to be the author of your own story." Deepak Chopra

Thank you for listening to mine. ♥

Robin

Scintilla Day 6- Faith

A photo by anne(♥)marie on Flickr.

Prompt: Talk about an experience with faith, your own or someone else's.

Even though she has every reason not to, my biological mother possesses rock solid faith. When I was a girl, she often brought me to daily mass, in addition to prayer group, and of course Sunday school. Somehow I was sent to a private Catholic school, despite our financial circumstances. Religion permeated the air we breathed.

Later, when my awareness grew, I was mystified. In college, I became downright perplexed. How could a woman like herself believe in a loving, benevolent, almighty Father? Her whole life has been nothing but struggle; she has survived a traumatic childhood, poverty, depression, encephalitis, and breast cancer. She has been in a nursing home since she was 44... forty-four! Do I need to say any more?

So one day I asked her. I’ll never forget our brief conversation.  I was 19 and had decided church wasn’t for me. For the first time I challenged her. “How do you know God exists?”

She didn’t miss a beat. “I see God every time you visit me.”

I swallowed. Was it that simple?

All these years later, I'm inclined to agree.  Knowing that I'll never fall- that someone will always catch me- is the sort of faith that sees me through my day to day life.  Yes, I sometimes say prayers- and send out wishes, intentions, or whatever you'd like to call them- to the universe.  But I also pick up the phone when I need help, assured that some earthly being will receive my call.

Faith and hope are inextricably connected. I experience them in a myriad of ways...

I have faith in the future when I look at my daughter’s unique hand print...

I have faith in love when I look into my soul mate’s starlit eyes...

I have faith in renewal, the cycles of life, each spring when my garden grows...

 I have faith in the mysterious unknown when I witness the sea and sky meet...

“Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking
                           and sings while it is still dark.” Rabindranath Tagore


* I'm participating in Scintilla, a fortnight of storytelling, with other writers mining the material of their lives. There's still time to sign up for daily prompts if you'd like to join us! 

Through The Looking Glass

Through The Looking Glass, a photo by Chaz Folkes on Flickr.

Thanksgiving is a tradition my family has continued to observe, even though it isn’t a holiday in Ireland. Usually I allow my children to stay home from school. Often I entertain friends, but sometimes we are invited to celebrate with other American expats in their homes. We eat turkey with all the trimmings, drink wine, sit around the table deep in conversation, while the children play games. One might almost forget that we are no longer in America, except for the curious lack of football on TV. Plus most of our neighbors are at work.

For the first time, I nearly let the holiday go unmarked this year. My house flooded two weeks ago. Our central heating has been shut off as a result of the leak. It’s unclear if we will have the central heating restored any time soon, or if I will have to continue lighting all three fireplaces every day this winter. I’ve had a cough for several weeks that won’t clear. Finances are tight. The stress of judicial separation proceedings is taking its toll. I’m tired.

When my teenager arranged to visit me on Thanksgiving, I decided to make the effort after all. He lives with his dad, and I miss him. I wanted to have all of my children around the table, the way it used to be. I smiled as I bought enough food to feed a small homeless shelter. In my mind, it would be perfect: the table set beautifully, delicious food, happy children, pleasant conversation, and enough time to watch a movie and cuddle together on the couch, completely relaxed. I could clearly envision it all!

At first everything seemed to be going as planned, but somewhere along the way I ran out of time. There were too many dishes to cook and not enough helping hands. I couldn’t prepare the meal and play with the kids at the same time. For a while, they joined me peeling potatoes before opting to watch TV instead. The phone rang. Then it rang again...

We all took turns talking to the American grandmas, and overwhelm crept in. Pangs of homesickness became wide gulfs. My American boyfriend’s texts made me laugh, then want to cry. The distance between those I love abroad and myself became even greater. Suddenly I wanted to lie down, but the pecan pie still needed to go in the oven, and gravy needed stirring.

Slowly, slowly everything unraveled. My perfect scene retreated to an imaginary place. When my son said it was time to go back to his dad’s, I cursed the clock and my inability to work miracles. The food wasn’t ready yet, and I was unwilling to let him- or my holiday- slip away so quickly. When I pointed out the trouble I’d gone to, my teenager replied, “I didn’t ask for a big dinner.” How would you have reacted?

Though I couldn’t see it in that moment, I now realize my son had a point. Why do we put ourselves under so much pressure during the holidays? Whose needs are we serving?

I realize I’m not supposed to share my not-so-happy-Thanksgiving story. These are the moments we’re encouraged to keep private, to hide away, as if such memories are a mark of failure. “Image is everything” is one of my (ex) mother-in-law’s favorite quotes. She’s not alone in this sentiment.

I am as adept at social media as anyone. I’ve studied the way successful people present themselves on twitter, facebook, and the blogosphere. I admire and am influenced by all of the inspirational quotes, articles, and tweets I read every day. I welcome my place in the pool of positive thinking, but at times wonder if I’m the only one struggling.

Last night I read an interesting article in the December 2011 issue of Psychologies Magazine, which focused on the benefits of envy. The author, Laurel Ives, shared some interesting insights. Other people’s lives are flaunted in our faces like never before. Yet we are only witnessing the highlights, she pointed out. You can bet I didn’t take photos to share on the web of my crestfallen face when my Thanksgiving dreams dissolved into tears!

There is a social psychological concept called the looking-glass self. C.H. Cooley explains it as such, "I am not what I think I am and I am not what you think I am; I am what I think that you think I am."

Perhaps this is why I’m feeling like an impostor in my own skin lately? Each day I accrue new followers on twitter, mostly driven, high-octane people ready to share their tips on how to become more successful or spiritually evolved. I suspect they’re expecting me to do the same. Part of me likes being lumped in with this dynamic group, and I just want to blend in. The rest of me feels like someone has made a mistake; don’t I belong in a group for worn out single moms scraping by? The only place I hold the position of CEO is in my kitchen!

While it’s normal to be influenced by society and other people’s projections, I don’t want to live my life seeking approval. Why should anyone try to fulfill an idea of what they think others think they are? Honesty seems a far superior path.

Neither do I want to compound my discomfort by comparing my disappointing Thanksgiving to someone Else's glorious one. I’d rather accept that my expectations weren’t met- and perhaps even contributed to the holiday chaos- and move on. Instead of viewing Thanksgiving in terms of what it could or should have been, I can remember that it was just a day, as imperfect as any other. It came to an end, just as today will.

I’m grateful that tomorrow always comes, and if I’m lucky, I’ll be given another chance. My hope is that I will meet tomorrow with more grace than I found possible yesterday.

Big hugs,
Robin

Toxic Relationships: Handle With Care

Mixed Emotion, a photo by sintixerr on Flickr.

I have a fundamental flaw; I focus on what I like about other people, and ignore their negative characteristics, sometimes to my detriment. My logic is, “No one’s perfect, right?” I can make endless excuses for those I care about, almost justifying erratic behavior. The last thing I want to be is judgmental. However, I wonder if I’m confusing compassion with carelessness.

It would be unreasonable to expect perfection from anyone, but how do you determine when someone is more harmful than helpful to your well being? When a relationship becomes toxic, is there a way to salvage it, or is it best to call it quits? How do you define ‘toxic’ and why do some relationships end up this way?

The foundation for all relationships begins with how we relate to ourselves. The problem, I’ve discovered, is that not everyone will accept us as we change. While we may strive to improve our inner worlds and build self-esteem, our external environment may not always cooperate.

Over the last few years, I’ve committed more to my personal development. The most painful part of this process has been letting go of loved ones unwilling to support my growth. I have decided my only path forward is one where I am true to myself; this means that I won’t allow anyone to hold me back from using my gifts and becoming the person I want to be. Needless to say, I have lost more than one close friend. This road is sometimes a lonely one to travel.

Is it worse to be selfish or selfless? In my opinion, women especially are discouraged from being “selfish”, but this is a trap. Loss of self is the worst state any soul could encounter. It is a mistake to ignore one’s own needs, while feeling responsible for everyone else.

I am not advocating that we make decisions based purely on our own desires, with no regard for anyone else. I’d simply like to challenge the notion that being “self-centered” is negative. Why shouldn’t each of us be central- and of primary importance- in our own lives? Seflhood ought to be a priority, for having a distinct identity is an achievement. Knowing oneself, and possessing an inner stronghold, enables us to form genuinely loving relationships. This is the only way to create a truly authentic life.

Without clear boundaries it isn’t possible to maintain healthy relationships. I’ve noticed that when boundaries become blurred, toxicity is more prevalent. Do you feel pressured by family, friends, or your partner to express only limited aspects of your personality? Is the thought of saying “no” or voicing opposition too terrifying in certain relationships? It is crucial that each person has the freedom to express their unique viewpoint, and uphold personal values, without condemnation.

Following are a list of symptoms that may alert you to a situation which requires handling with care.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship:

• Independence is viewed as a threat and is therefore discouraged.

• One person in the relationship feels a need to control the other.

• One person expects the other party to meet all of their needs.

• Communication is limited because of defensive responses by either or both parties. Perhaps neither is able to listen properly or voice feelings in an appropriate manner.

• Verbal abuse and criticism are used as a means to prevent change and hold the other back.

• One’s dignity is threatened by the other’s disrespectful words or actions.

• It feels either emotionally or physically unsafe to disagree.

• One party withdraws affection and/or communication, sometimes also engaging in hostile silences or sulking, when confronted with a partner’s limit or boundary.

• One person’s poor sense of self and low self-esteem may cause them to envy the other’s confidence. In my experience, trouble will ensue if this is the case.

• If either person refuses to own their behavior, a mature relationship cannot develop. Avoidance of responsibility is a central ingredient when cooking a toxic stew.

Anger alerts us to situations when our presence is being demeaned or disrespected. Listen to it. Rather than act out on the emotion, sit with the feelings and try to uncover what they are attempting to tell you. Our feelings indicate a call to action, but we must choose carefully rather than respond impulsively.

I’m as intense as anyone you’ll ever meet, and find this extremely hard. Learning to sit and breathe with my anger, rather than vent on whoever has provoked it, is an evolving process. I don’t always get it right, but awareness is the first step. It requires a lot of willpower to step back when strong emotions are demanding a reaction. Yet, it’s necessary to learn such restraint if our goal is to become mature individuals, and help create a mature society.

Perhaps you may uncover feelings of rejection, abandonment, insecurity or sadness beneath the anger. You might tap into past hurts, completely unrelated to the current person or situation at hand. If so, it can be helpful to write about it, talk to someone you trust, or simply acknowledge your revelations to yourself.

Once the intensity of your emotions has settled, and you’re clear in your mind about the issues raised by your feelings, you can make decisions about detoxing your relationship. If you’re able to express your new-found understanding, and your friend or partner is able to hear you and responds satisfactorily, the experience may bring you closer.

Sometimes this may not be possible. Depending on how serious the situation is, you may decide it is no longer a relationship you are willing to invest in. The most loving thing to do for both of you might be walking away.

The bottom line is that you deserve to be handled with care.

Big hugs,

Robin

One Heart Tantra

"Love On the Rocks" by Laura MacCarthy

 My curiosity was piqued when a close friend invited me to attend ‘One Heart Tantra: Discovery Day for Women’ with her.  It was advertised as an introductory workshop, offering "a chance to explore tantric energetic practices in a gentle, fun and supported environment.” 

The workshop was facilitated by Lynn Paterson.  I was undecided about whether or not to go until I read the following insights on her facebook event page:

“As we clear away the old hurts and wounds, the body and mind heals and re-patterns itself from the conditioning and beliefs that our body and sensual pleasure is bad, and that spirituality has to involve a denial of our sexuality. Your body is the doorway to great joy, peace and love!”

Instinctively I have always felt this to be true.  Unfortunately, my heavily Catholic upbringing did not reinforce this message.  As a young woman, I had to work hard to shed limiting beliefs.  What comes naturally to me- dancing, expressing love, touching- are all deeply spiritual experiences.  It saddens me to think I ever felt shame about my body and the pleasure I derive through it.

On her One Heart Tantra website, Lynn goes on to say:

“One Heart Tantra is a tool for awakening the senses and bringing you into a new awareness of ecstasy and bliss that can take you beyond the senses and into a direct experience of yourself as Love. Your desire may be to discover more fulfilment and joy in your sexuality, or to bring more pleasure into your life and the life of a loved one. You may be searching for a deeper level of connection to the spiritual truth of who you are. Or perhaps you are just seeking for a way to lose your programming and limiting beliefs about sex and sensuality. Whatever has brought you here is perfect for you, and I honour your path.”

Each woman who travelled to the workshop had her own reasons for coming.  As we arrived at An Sanctoir, the sun was streaming through the windows.  I’ve enjoyed belly dancing with wonderful women in that space.  When my children were at the neighbouring Waldorf kindergarten, I attended many Advent Spiral ceremonies there too.  I’ve also listened to an incredible jazz band create musical magic in that room.  Certain energy is contained within those walls, which always makes me feel safe and at peace.  We’re blessed to have such a beautiful holistic centre in our community.

At the beginning of the day, I appreciated when Lynn brought up the issue of comfort zones, and asked us not to push ourselves too much during the workshop.  She explained that if we were to go beyond our personal boundaries, we could get lost.  The result would be counter-productive: rather than slowly expanding the comfort zone, one could become fearful and close up more.

The concept of boundaries (or lack of them) is of interest to me.  In intimate situations, boundaries become even more important, but can be harder to set.  As we practiced various exercises, I became aware of some of my patterns.  In the past, I almost couldn’t say ‘no’ for fear of rejection.  I’ve made a lot of progress in this area but realized it’s still difficult for me to do. 

Betty Martin has developed the idea of a Circle of Consent.  Dave Pollard explains it very well on his blog How to Save the World.  With every exchange in a relationship, there are power politics.   Sometimes roles are confused and lines get blurred.  We can find ourselves forced into a situation, which mistakenly seems consensual.  The dynamic can shift very quickly from giver & receiver to victim & perpetrator.  In our workshop, we were careful to avoid anything being misconstrued.

Each exercise we practiced involved clearly communicating with our partner, a useful skill for every relationship.  We had to verbally state what we intended to do and then ask for permission.   It was important to stick with what had been communicated and agreed upon, or else a transgression could be perceived.  We worked with the concepts of ‘giving and receiving’ or ‘allowing and taking’ for the entire day.  The exercises involved simple arm touch, but I still came up against resistance in myself. 

I discovered:

1) I don’t know what I want.

2) When I do, it’s hard to ask for it.

3) My experience is not uncommon for women.

 

Throughout the day we played with movement to free ourselves up.  I enjoyed when we danced; that was easy for me.  However, we also practised breathing exercises combined with vocalization, which mildly freaked me out!  I can’t make noise.  Even when I gave birth I was quiet.  During my last homebirth, my oldest son was in the room beside us but slept through it.  At the workshop, I envied the other women’s ability to wail, moan, and let it all out.  I was so uncomfortable it sounded more like I was whimpering…  Afterward we had a laugh and my friend had great fun teasing me about it. 

I was satisfied with the introductory workshop and would like to explore Tantric energy more in the future.  If you live in Ireland or the UK, check out Lynn’s schedule to see if she has any events coming up in your area.  She also has links to other resources on her website if you’d like more information.

For further reading, Lynn recommended UrbanTantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas.  I’ve added Tantric Pulsation to my wish list.  The author, Aneesha L. Dillon, combines eastern and western philosophies, influenced by the work of Wilhelm Reich and Osho Rajneesh.

I’d like to close with a quote:

“Tantric alchemy says, do not fight, be friendly with all the energies that are given to you. Welcome them. Feel grateful that you have anger, that you have sex, that you have greed. Feel grateful because these are the hidden sources, and they can be transformed, they can be opened. And when sex is transformed it becomes love.” –Osho

May Love transform us all!

Big hugs,

Robin

Smile at Fear

"When choosing between two evils, I always try the one I've never tried before." Mae West

Dzogchen Beara

It’s been a crazy, stressful week!  I had to represent myself in court simply to get my daughter’s passport renewed and gain permission to travel abroad with my children.  I’ve been hoping to bring them to America for a month-long vacation, but their dad wouldn’t consent even though my family hasn’t seen the children for four years.  It was such a relief when the judge sided with me!   

That small victory was a reminder that my life continues to move in the right direction.  Then I received a call offering me a new business proposition.  I immediately accepted.  There are no guarantees that the venture will work out, but the risk is minimal for me.

Two days later, however, I received another phone call.  My initial response was excitement, and I rang my solicitor with the good news.  As a result, I retracted on the business offer.  Although I haven’t completely made up my mind, I couldn’t commit right now.  I have a big decision to make, and I don’t have a lot of time.  Each day I seem to flip-flop from one position to another…  

I know what I want to do, but I have my children to consider.  I’ve sacrificed so much for them, but I have my limits.  I can’t give up everything, yet I want my kids to have the best life I can provide them.  Whatever I decide will impact them greatly so I must choose carefully.  

Last summer I planted this seed.  When I discovered Reverb10 last December, I still desired the change but felt it was out of my control.  I sort of gave up on it and put my energy into other things.  The universe didn’t forget and has conspired to make my dream possible- as it does- but my reaction is different than I anticipated.  I wanted this change more than anything else on my December lists, but it requires the biggest leap of faith.  I’m beginning to panic.  Everything was settling nicely… and this change would be a major upheaval.  I would gain a degree of freedom, but risk my remaining security.  There is much to lose materially.  Is it crazy to willingly take away my safety net, or would it be crazier not to?

I put a question out to the Reverb10 community.  “Wondering how others cope with the fear and anxiety that accompanies taking big risks?”  The responses were helpful and I’d like to share them with you.

“Breathe into it. Slowly. Recognize the greatest reward often comes from taking the greatest risk.” @doclizz Regina McMenomy

“Tea. Lots and lots of tea. Music. Meditation. Chocolate. Comedy. Praying. Positive Affirmations.” @sailorscorpio Meredith S

“Break the big risks into little steps if possible! Don't try to eat the elephant all at once. :) Good luck!” @noelrozny Noël Rozny

“Perhaps: don't try to push the anxiety under the rug; lean into it, try to observe what's at the root of it.” @LetsReverb #reverb10/#reverb11

  *   *   *

I had plans to go to Dublin this weekend, but cancelled my trip.  The kids are with their dad; I need the time to reflect and start making preparations.

Yesterday I went for therapeutic massage to address the constant ache I feel in my hip.  It’s been bothering me since March; I’ve stretched, taken hot baths, gone for massage, put heat packs on it… but the discomfort won’t go.  My work is demanding on my body, but the problem is postural as well.  Though I’ve always lived with this imbalance, it’s only flaring up now.  My therapist pointed out that the hips correlate to balancing life, which makes perfect sense!

I have had many massages, but yesterday was more intense than anything I’ve experienced.  It was so painful I nearly cried.  (I’ve had 3 natural births without swallowing so much as an aspirin.  Physical pain doesn’t usually faze me).  She worked deeply on my iliopsoas muscles and I had to consciously tell myself to keep breathing.  She explained, “You may have an emotional release after this.  All humans bury stress here; it’s the body’s primal response.”  I relaxed into her words, into the discomfort, and let go.  The intensity passed.  Now I feel closer to reaching the source of my dis-ease.  Next time
it will be easier.

My close friend also had an emotionally challenging week.  She’s a single mom too and fortunately has this weekend free.  We decided to head off to Dzogchen Beara together for the afternoon.  It’s a gorgeous Buddhist retreat centre overlooking the ocean.  I’m not a Buddhist but find great wisdom in the teachings and practices.

We were guided through a Loving-Kindness meditation followed by a Forgiveness meditation.  Both were very helpful.  I loved when the woman guiding us spoke about the Critic, an archetype present in most people’s psyches.  That voice can be so strong in my mind.  Let me tell you, she is one mean futhamucka!!  

During the week, I was tired and she reared her nasty head.  While I was teaching Zumba, the Critic tried tearing me to shreds as I looked in the mirror.  Since I received the potentially life changing phone call, she has been looking for ways to bring me down.  I’ve got my eye on her though and suspect she’s closely tied to my inner-saboteur.  

Thankfully, I’ve developed kinder voices which remind me to let the Critic say her piece but not attach to any of it.  Honestly, I wouldn’t talk to anyone the way my Critic speaks to me!  During meditation, it was affirming to hear that most of us struggle to varying degrees with this issue.  What do you do with your inner critic?

Awareness is a great starting place.  When the meditation was over, we went to the Dzogchen Beara shop.  Browsing through the books, one caught my attention by Pema Chödrön.  The following passage struck me:

“Traditionally, laziness is taught as one of the obstacles to awakening. There are different kinds of laziness.  First, there’s the laziness of comfort orientation, we just try to stay comfortable and cozy. Then there’s the laziness of loss of heart, a kind of deep discouragement, a feeling of giving up on ourselves, of hopelessness. There’s also the laziness of couldn’t care less. That’s when we harden into resignation and bitterness and just close down.”

Laziness is one of the major reasons why I may not make the change I’m considering.  I recognize myself in the first category.  “Comfort orientation” is putting it mildly!  When I walk in a new room, I spot the comfy chair and plop myself in it.  I don’t like to be hot or cold so I wear layers of soft, natural fabrics.  Hunger is to be avoided too, so I pack snacks and drinks when I leave home.  I’m fussy about what I eat and will opt for gourmet if given a choice.  My house is comfortable rather than stylish, although aesthetics are important to me too.  Seeking pleasure is a favourite pastime (and I don’t feel bad about that)!  I’m almost proud of being a hedonist.  Yet, I can see how my pursuit of material comfort may be a trap.

If you would like to read more of Pema Chödrön’s thoughts on laziness, check out her insightful article on the Shambhala Sun website.  

Today I’m no closer to making a decision.  My dreams are usually a great guide, but they’ve been puzzling.  I can’t make sense of them.  All I can do is stay present and wait until an answer comes.  When it does, I hope I’ll be able to trust that it’s the right choice and have the courage to act on it with confidence.  

I want to smile at fear rather than allow it to hold me back.  I hope you will do the same.

Hugs,

Robin

Colour Therapy

 "I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice it." -Shug

Who could forget this famous line from Alice Walker's timeless novel (& film) The Color Purple?  The connection between spirituality, colour, and awareness are all alluded to in these few words.

Most of us take colour for granted, but imagine how bleak the world would be without it.  We're surrounded by colour all of the time, yet think little of its significance.  Colour's importance shouldn't be underestimated though.  Just think how satisfying it is painting a room a fresh colour, one that reflects the current mood of your home.  

For me, the colours I wear each day express how I'm feeling.  When I was pregnant with my daughter, I only wanted to wear deep pink!  There have been years when my wardrobe has been dominated by purple.  At the moment blues and greens are calling to me for the first time. When I'm feeling dramatic and desire attention, I love wearing red to offset my black hair and eyes.  

Have you ever considered that the colours you’re drawn to might uncover hidden truths about yourself?  Is it possible that the colours you choose are a way of externalizing your inner beauty?  Perhaps colour is a language and whispers gently about the stirrings of Soul.  Not long ago I went for my first Aura-Soma consultation and marvelled afterward about what the reading revealed.

 

Are you wondering what Aura-Soma is and what happens during a session?  Colour therapy for the soul obviously isn’t something we’re taught in school.  For some, it may require a suspension of disbelief to understand that the colours we are attracted to speak deeply about our nature.  I wasn’t sure what to expect when I arrived at my friend Dee’s house for a reading, but was curious to see if she’d unlock any secrets regarding my life’s purpose.

When I arrived, there were 108 cards laid out with a variety of colour combinations.  Usually bottles with liquid are used instead of the cards, which give greater clarity to the colours.  Each bottle is associated with a card from the Tarot and has a special meaning.

Dee asked me to choose 4 cards.  I chose the first one instantly.  Royal blue (B96) has been my favourite colour as long as I can remember, and the card seemed to jump out at me.  Apparently it has associations with the Chakras and correlates to the third eye.  The second card (B33) was very similar to the first except that it had turquoise on the bottom half.  It took me longer to choose the last two cards, but finally I went with Purple/ Magenta (B25) and Yellow/ Clear (B70). 

Once I picked all of my cards, Dee flipped them over so I could see the images on the other side.  Each card has a name and she explained its meaning.  I’d like to share them with you.  The descriptions are directly quoted from The Aura-Soma Sourcebook by Mike Booth and Carol McKnight.  I’d highly recommend it for further reading.

Double Royal Blue (B96):  This colour represents communication fed from above.

Name:  Archangel Raphael- Fosters deep inner peace and clear intuitive perceptions.  Also supports sharing wisdom in a heartfelt way.

Tarot Card:  Return Journey of the Moon

Keynote:  “To bring the creative possibility of conception into form.  Clarity in relation to the higher energetics of being.”  Dee explained this is a colour associated with sensitivity and clairvoyance.  It nurtures how we relate to ourselves and others.  

I was fascinated by this card.  When my maternal grandmother was alive, she claimed to have extrasensory perception. I’ve always been very intuitive like she was.  Growing up it was normal in our family to accept the non-rational as valid.  I was encouraged to follow 'hunches,' which have proved to be a wondrous guiding light.

Royal Blue/ Turquoise (B33): Turquoise represents creative communication with the heart and is associated with the process of individuation as explored by Carl Jung. “As we get in touch with our creative force, linking our heart’s communication, we may express our heartfelt feelings in song, dance, painting or poetry.”   This couldn’t be more apt!

Name: Dolphin Bottle/ Peace with a Purpose

Tarot Card: Four of Wands

Keynote: “Clarity and playfulness.  Spontaneity and joy.  A communication from the heart clearly expressed.”  A couple of passages struck me when I read about this card in greater depth. “B33 may suggest that we are calm and peaceful souls who find pleasure in being creative.  It can also suggest we have difficulties with the male/ father model and with authority.”  Everything stated about this card applies to me!  I have a lot of fire, but peace is certainly a big priority of mine.  And please don’t talk to me about authority figures… 

Purple/ Magenta (B25): Magenta signifies love in the little things.

Name: Florence Nightingale Bottle- This bottle indicates that we may be called to service in healing, caring for others. “B25 symbolizes service, healing and love from a divine source put into attentive care.”

Tarot Card: Knight of Wands

Keynote: “A mystic.  One who is inspired by the inspiration fed in from above.  A pioneering spirit in the service of others.”  Dee suggested counselling might be a good career choice for me; she wasn’t the first person to recommend this.  I’ve been open to the idea, but for now I love practicing massage therapy and helping people connect to themselves on a deeper level through bodywork.  I’ve had some experience channelling energy through my hands which I’d like to explore more.

Yellow/ Clear (B70)

Name: Vision of Splendour

Tarot Card: Nine of Pentacles

Keynote: “The clarity to see the bigger picture more openly.  To gain knowledge in relation to the vibration of light.”

The final card signifies where I am headed in the future.  Vision of Splendour helps us let go of suffering (symbolized by the clear element).  We’re offered a chance to “celebrate the moment despite difficulties, to be open to the sight of beauty.”  This colour invites us to “make friends with our confusion.”  By doing so, illumination and greater clarity awaits.

Dee gave me an affirmation at the end of my reading which could benefit everyone.  I hope you find it as helpful as I have:

  

“I let go of the past and love myself the way I am.”

If you are interested in having an Aura-Soma consultation, contact the ASIACT website.  Even if you don't, perhaps you'll be inspired to pay more attention to colour.  The next time you see a magnificent rainbow, why not offer up a wish or a prayer of thanks?

Hugs,
Robin

A Big Thanks to Lovely Dee!