Toxic Relationships: Handle With Care

Mixed Emotion, a photo by sintixerr on Flickr.

I have a fundamental flaw; I focus on what I like about other people, and ignore their negative characteristics, sometimes to my detriment. My logic is, “No one’s perfect, right?” I can make endless excuses for those I care about, almost justifying erratic behavior. The last thing I want to be is judgmental. However, I wonder if I’m confusing compassion with carelessness.

It would be unreasonable to expect perfection from anyone, but how do you determine when someone is more harmful than helpful to your well being? When a relationship becomes toxic, is there a way to salvage it, or is it best to call it quits? How do you define ‘toxic’ and why do some relationships end up this way?

The foundation for all relationships begins with how we relate to ourselves. The problem, I’ve discovered, is that not everyone will accept us as we change. While we may strive to improve our inner worlds and build self-esteem, our external environment may not always cooperate.

Over the last few years, I’ve committed more to my personal development. The most painful part of this process has been letting go of loved ones unwilling to support my growth. I have decided my only path forward is one where I am true to myself; this means that I won’t allow anyone to hold me back from using my gifts and becoming the person I want to be. Needless to say, I have lost more than one close friend. This road is sometimes a lonely one to travel.

Is it worse to be selfish or selfless? In my opinion, women especially are discouraged from being “selfish”, but this is a trap. Loss of self is the worst state any soul could encounter. It is a mistake to ignore one’s own needs, while feeling responsible for everyone else.

I am not advocating that we make decisions based purely on our own desires, with no regard for anyone else. I’d simply like to challenge the notion that being “self-centered” is negative. Why shouldn’t each of us be central- and of primary importance- in our own lives? Seflhood ought to be a priority, for having a distinct identity is an achievement. Knowing oneself, and possessing an inner stronghold, enables us to form genuinely loving relationships. This is the only way to create a truly authentic life.

Without clear boundaries it isn’t possible to maintain healthy relationships. I’ve noticed that when boundaries become blurred, toxicity is more prevalent. Do you feel pressured by family, friends, or your partner to express only limited aspects of your personality? Is the thought of saying “no” or voicing opposition too terrifying in certain relationships? It is crucial that each person has the freedom to express their unique viewpoint, and uphold personal values, without condemnation.

Following are a list of symptoms that may alert you to a situation which requires handling with care.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship:

• Independence is viewed as a threat and is therefore discouraged.

• One person in the relationship feels a need to control the other.

• One person expects the other party to meet all of their needs.

• Communication is limited because of defensive responses by either or both parties. Perhaps neither is able to listen properly or voice feelings in an appropriate manner.

• Verbal abuse and criticism are used as a means to prevent change and hold the other back.

• One’s dignity is threatened by the other’s disrespectful words or actions.

• It feels either emotionally or physically unsafe to disagree.

• One party withdraws affection and/or communication, sometimes also engaging in hostile silences or sulking, when confronted with a partner’s limit or boundary.

• One person’s poor sense of self and low self-esteem may cause them to envy the other’s confidence. In my experience, trouble will ensue if this is the case.

• If either person refuses to own their behavior, a mature relationship cannot develop. Avoidance of responsibility is a central ingredient when cooking a toxic stew.

Anger alerts us to situations when our presence is being demeaned or disrespected. Listen to it. Rather than act out on the emotion, sit with the feelings and try to uncover what they are attempting to tell you. Our feelings indicate a call to action, but we must choose carefully rather than respond impulsively.

I’m as intense as anyone you’ll ever meet, and find this extremely hard. Learning to sit and breathe with my anger, rather than vent on whoever has provoked it, is an evolving process. I don’t always get it right, but awareness is the first step. It requires a lot of willpower to step back when strong emotions are demanding a reaction. Yet, it’s necessary to learn such restraint if our goal is to become mature individuals, and help create a mature society.

Perhaps you may uncover feelings of rejection, abandonment, insecurity or sadness beneath the anger. You might tap into past hurts, completely unrelated to the current person or situation at hand. If so, it can be helpful to write about it, talk to someone you trust, or simply acknowledge your revelations to yourself.

Once the intensity of your emotions has settled, and you’re clear in your mind about the issues raised by your feelings, you can make decisions about detoxing your relationship. If you’re able to express your new-found understanding, and your friend or partner is able to hear you and responds satisfactorily, the experience may bring you closer.

Sometimes this may not be possible. Depending on how serious the situation is, you may decide it is no longer a relationship you are willing to invest in. The most loving thing to do for both of you might be walking away.

The bottom line is that you deserve to be handled with care.

Big hugs,

Robin

Becoming Real Requires Grit

Can you remember your favourite childhood toy?  I’m carrying a doll in nearly every photo during my early years.  Even at age 12 (cringe), I pushed a pram around the neighbourhood with my treasured Cabbage Patch Kid.  I spent my pocket money buying her frilly clothes and happily changed her nappy whenever I imagined it was wet.

My daughter is similar.  She carries her handmade Waldorf doll everywhere and can’t sleep without her.  I sewed ‘Josie’ out of cotton, wool, and soft purple velour when my daughter was 2 years old.  I wondered how my gift would ever compete with fancy toys, but miraculously this simple doll remains her favourite 4 years later.  Josie’s hair has fallen out in patches; it looks more like dreadlocks than bouclé curls these days.  Her wool stuffing is bunched up and out of shape after being thrown in the wash when my daughter got sick on her.  Josie badly needs a makeover this summer!

During times of illness, it’s especially important to seek comfort in our treasured friends, whether real or imagined.  My 8 year old son has been very sick the last couple of weeks.  A few nights ago he was up late after sleeping all day.  I was worn out when he asked if I’d read him a story, but compassion (or guilt) kicked in.  I’ve been busy, distracted, and unavailable to my children lately.  In that moment I knew he deserved my attention.  His lap days are numbered, but I managed to pull him up on my knee.  I dug deep to find the last bit of energy I had as we snuggled close in our comfy chair.

He chose The Velveteen Rabbit.  All week this classic tale has echoed in my mind.  I’ve been reflecting on what it means to be “Real.”  How would you define it?

In the story the Skin Horse tells us, “It doesn’t happen all at once.  You become.  It takes a long time.  That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

One of my close friends had a nervous breakdown before we met.  The Velveteen Rabbit played a significant role in her recovery.  I bought the book after she expressed how it had changed her life.  It was the "breaking," or dying, of her old self which lead to a more authentic existence.

The story emphasizes how important Love is, but I’d go a step further.  For me, becoming Real demands a ruthless commitment to Truth… as well as safeguarding one’s Fire (or creative life).  It’s not an easy path.  Sometimes it requires sharpening one’s teeth and being willing to bite into life!

I often refer to my favourite book, Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estés.  It’s become my personal Bible, and I often reread passages.  Each time I understand something new.  The book is composed of many myths and fairy tales which have the power to guide women to richer, deeper lives.  The story of Vasalisa and Baba Yaga is particularly captivating.  It speaks of how to retrieve intuition and become initiated in the ways of the "wild feminine."  The essence of this tale reveals that most things are not as they seem.  

I have found this concept very hard to accept!  When I first read the story, I was still clinging to my naiveté and was happy to play pretend.  I suffered from what Estés calls the ‘Nice-Nice’ complex, something many women can relate to.  I was afraid to rock any boats and preferred to smile sweetly instead. When are women ever encouraged to express outright anger in our society?  In my experience, such displays are almost always a sure-fire way of being dismissed.

During that period, I kept dreaming about eating sweet things: cakes, chocolates of every assortment, and various candies.   I spent half a year in Confectionery Wonderland.  I willingly swallowed (and accepted) whatever I was given.  In the beginning, I ate the sugar coating without much thought, though I suspected it wasn’t good for me… or my teeth.  When I wizened up and resisted, shadowy figures tried to force the sweet things down my throat.  Eventually I learned to say no with conviction to the candy-pushers in my psyche, and they disappeared from my dream life.  Consciously I made a connection with events in my waking life.  I had been accepting ‘sweet’ (though false) words from someone I cared for, while ignoring the harmful actions behind meaningless talk. 

Had I listened to my intuition, I could have avoided much pain.  Often women’s instincts are injured or underdeveloped for one reason or another, but all is not lost.  The beauty of Estés’ work is that she teaches us how recover and strengthen what is naturally ours.  In time, like Vasalisa, we can journey into the dark wood and regain our birthright: clear sightedness.

  

Estés writes, “To see into or through something requires intuition and also the strength to stand upon what one sees.  Like Vasalisa we may try to be nice when we ought to be knowing.  We may have been taught to set aside acute insight in order to get along.  However, the reward for simply being nice in oppressive circumstances is to be mistreated all the more.”  

There are many invaluable elements in this tale, but I’d like to focus on the significance of the doll (representing intuition), which has been passed on as a blessing from Vasalisa’s dying mother.  The young woman must feed her doll and listen to her, suggesting that our intuition grows stronger as we care for it. Perhaps you wonder… Why is this important?  

  

“What does this wildish intuition do for women?  Like the wolf, intuition has claws that pry things open and pin things down, it has eyes that can see through the shields of persona, it has ears that hear beyond the range of mundane human hearing.  With these formidable psychic tools a woman takes on a shrewd and even precognitive animal consciousness, one that deepens her femininity and sharpens her ability to move confidently in the outer world.” –Clarrisa Pinkola Estés

I invite you to join me on the quest for wild, passionate authenticity.  Whatever Real means to you, I hope you embrace it wholeheartedly, and that the rewards are far reaching.

Hugs,

Robin