Seaweed Ballet

Beach ballerina, a photo by ImagesByClaire on Flickr.

I’m halfway through penance... and I couldn’t be more sorry!  My sin?  Years of unwittingly over-sharing on the Internet. I have until Easter Sunday to rectify the situation. In 2 days my Timeline will be published on facebook, visible to hundreds of “friends”, whether I’m ready or not. I doubt it will be of much interest to anyone, but the thought of so much exposure is unsettling.

There seem to be two camps: you either love Timeline or hate it.   I am of the latter.

I’ve resisted the change, partly because I haven’t had much time for social networking lately. Another reason- the most important- is that I was afraid of what I’d uncover sifting through posts dating back to 2007, the year I joined facebook. Call me clueless, but it never crossed my mind, at any point, that every single interaction on the site could readily be accessed well into the future. Nor did I realize, until I read this article about online privacy last fall, that my content is owned by facebook- not me, as I’d previously thought. I am very open by nature; sometimes I lack the foresight to protect myself from scrutiny.

Yesterday I took my children to see Mirror, Mirror. I didn’t particularly enjoy the film, which botched up the Snow White fairy tale, but aspects of it have lingered with me. I can’t forget the image of Julia Roberts’ character, staring at a younger (more acceptable) version of herself in the magical mirror. The vain queen was determined to see only what she wanted to see, ignoring the wrinkles and blemishes of time. Of course everyone has blind spots. Sometimes I wonder what mine are... and Timeline has given me a clue.

My facebook profile has reflected many aspects of myself. Trawling through nearly 5 years of posts, I’ve witnessed my most vulnerable self; at times I’d like to hug her, but at other moments I cringe. I’m struck by how much I’ve changed!

I am so grateful I can delete it all, but before that can happen, I must read each individual status report. As I relive the past, I experience emotional reactions, though it’s less intense this time around. I feel mortified as I recollect the days of being a quintessentially bored, lonely, perfectionistic housewife. Then there was the period after my husband moved out, when I was struggling with the demands of motherhood, in a foreign country to boot.  Newly single, after a decade of marriage, I found it difficult to redefine myself.  Most annoying of all, is how much I whined back then!  How many times can one woman complain about being tired?  It irritates me when people use social networking as an emotional crutch, as therapy, and yet I’m guilty of having done it in the past.

Aside from gripes I have with myself, there are other dramatic incidents which I’ve recalled, moving through my Timeline. People I’ve deleted or blocked (or vice versa), have left traces behind; the odd comment is still there, clearly visible, although the bond between us has long been broken. Ghosts litter my virtual space. I think of the harm I’ve caused, or the harm that has been done to me, and I’d like to make it all disappear forever. Memories fade, but the Internet is less forgiving.

Just when I want to put my head down, and shut the computer off to escape the past, I discover a forgotten clip. A short video, entitled “The Seaweed Ballet”, features 3 young children running along the Irish shore.

It’s a sunny day, and a hazy blue sky hangs above the water. My second son and his little sister are playing with their friend, shortly before he’s diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. For now they are carefree, flying up and down the beach together, wielding long strips of seaweed in their pudgy hands. My friend and I pause, the impromptu dance having caught our attention. We marvel at our beautiful babies, so full of life. The waves provide a musical score, as they skip, twirl, and dodge between towels, kicking up sand in the wind. Soft laughter grows louder, until we mothers are helplessly cackling into the camera. My belly cramps, a pleasant ache. It is hard to say who is having the most fun.

“It’s like a seaweed ballet,” my friend says, although it resembles a war dance now. The little girl proves ruthless; her seaweed has become a whip. She giggles as she whacks her big brother repeatedly. The smallest boy joins in, his blonde curls tangled from saltwater and sun. The video ends and one is left to wonder: Will it end in tears, the way children’s games often do?

I don’t remember what happened next. It was just another day spent with the people I love, a moment in time which could easily have been forgotten. I’m glad it has been preserved though, and that I can share it with anyone I choose.

I suppose that’s the beauty of Timeline. We can highlight those special moments, and let the others go. After all, each of us has stories we’d like to hide, and others we’re happy to share. Somewhere between all the embarrassing incidents, the heartbreaking regrets, the laughter and triumphs, or even the inane, lies our humanity. It’s our stories that make us who we are.

In closing, here are some of my favorite non personal status reports, which will remain on my Timeline, as a reminder of how I’d like to move forwards:

November 2010
Fill your heart with the creative power to accept the past, decorate the present and transform the future...” Osho

January 2011
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss

September 2011
"Kiss slowly, laugh insanely, live truly, and and forgive quickly." Paulo Coelho is always full of wise words... 

New Year’s Day, Jan. 2012
"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential." Ellen Goodman

March 2012
"To have a core self is to be the author of your own story." Deepak Chopra

Thank you for listening to mine. ♥

Robin

Toxic Relationships: Handle With Care

Mixed Emotion, a photo by sintixerr on Flickr.

I have a fundamental flaw; I focus on what I like about other people, and ignore their negative characteristics, sometimes to my detriment. My logic is, “No one’s perfect, right?” I can make endless excuses for those I care about, almost justifying erratic behavior. The last thing I want to be is judgmental. However, I wonder if I’m confusing compassion with carelessness.

It would be unreasonable to expect perfection from anyone, but how do you determine when someone is more harmful than helpful to your well being? When a relationship becomes toxic, is there a way to salvage it, or is it best to call it quits? How do you define ‘toxic’ and why do some relationships end up this way?

The foundation for all relationships begins with how we relate to ourselves. The problem, I’ve discovered, is that not everyone will accept us as we change. While we may strive to improve our inner worlds and build self-esteem, our external environment may not always cooperate.

Over the last few years, I’ve committed more to my personal development. The most painful part of this process has been letting go of loved ones unwilling to support my growth. I have decided my only path forward is one where I am true to myself; this means that I won’t allow anyone to hold me back from using my gifts and becoming the person I want to be. Needless to say, I have lost more than one close friend. This road is sometimes a lonely one to travel.

Is it worse to be selfish or selfless? In my opinion, women especially are discouraged from being “selfish”, but this is a trap. Loss of self is the worst state any soul could encounter. It is a mistake to ignore one’s own needs, while feeling responsible for everyone else.

I am not advocating that we make decisions based purely on our own desires, with no regard for anyone else. I’d simply like to challenge the notion that being “self-centered” is negative. Why shouldn’t each of us be central- and of primary importance- in our own lives? Seflhood ought to be a priority, for having a distinct identity is an achievement. Knowing oneself, and possessing an inner stronghold, enables us to form genuinely loving relationships. This is the only way to create a truly authentic life.

Without clear boundaries it isn’t possible to maintain healthy relationships. I’ve noticed that when boundaries become blurred, toxicity is more prevalent. Do you feel pressured by family, friends, or your partner to express only limited aspects of your personality? Is the thought of saying “no” or voicing opposition too terrifying in certain relationships? It is crucial that each person has the freedom to express their unique viewpoint, and uphold personal values, without condemnation.

Following are a list of symptoms that may alert you to a situation which requires handling with care.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship:

• Independence is viewed as a threat and is therefore discouraged.

• One person in the relationship feels a need to control the other.

• One person expects the other party to meet all of their needs.

• Communication is limited because of defensive responses by either or both parties. Perhaps neither is able to listen properly or voice feelings in an appropriate manner.

• Verbal abuse and criticism are used as a means to prevent change and hold the other back.

• One’s dignity is threatened by the other’s disrespectful words or actions.

• It feels either emotionally or physically unsafe to disagree.

• One party withdraws affection and/or communication, sometimes also engaging in hostile silences or sulking, when confronted with a partner’s limit or boundary.

• One person’s poor sense of self and low self-esteem may cause them to envy the other’s confidence. In my experience, trouble will ensue if this is the case.

• If either person refuses to own their behavior, a mature relationship cannot develop. Avoidance of responsibility is a central ingredient when cooking a toxic stew.

Anger alerts us to situations when our presence is being demeaned or disrespected. Listen to it. Rather than act out on the emotion, sit with the feelings and try to uncover what they are attempting to tell you. Our feelings indicate a call to action, but we must choose carefully rather than respond impulsively.

I’m as intense as anyone you’ll ever meet, and find this extremely hard. Learning to sit and breathe with my anger, rather than vent on whoever has provoked it, is an evolving process. I don’t always get it right, but awareness is the first step. It requires a lot of willpower to step back when strong emotions are demanding a reaction. Yet, it’s necessary to learn such restraint if our goal is to become mature individuals, and help create a mature society.

Perhaps you may uncover feelings of rejection, abandonment, insecurity or sadness beneath the anger. You might tap into past hurts, completely unrelated to the current person or situation at hand. If so, it can be helpful to write about it, talk to someone you trust, or simply acknowledge your revelations to yourself.

Once the intensity of your emotions has settled, and you’re clear in your mind about the issues raised by your feelings, you can make decisions about detoxing your relationship. If you’re able to express your new-found understanding, and your friend or partner is able to hear you and responds satisfactorily, the experience may bring you closer.

Sometimes this may not be possible. Depending on how serious the situation is, you may decide it is no longer a relationship you are willing to invest in. The most loving thing to do for both of you might be walking away.

The bottom line is that you deserve to be handled with care.

Big hugs,

Robin